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Mother's Myth? By Coaching Circles Staff Writer
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My mother loves to tell the story of the day she met my father and just "knew." They were in college. He walked in late to a Shakespeare studies class. He was wielding a cane due to some sort of football injury. (Yes, my Dad was a stud.) According to my mother, she turned around to her best friend and whispered, "THAT is the man I'm going to marry." Her friend whispered back, "But Ann, you don't even know his name." My mother, clear eyed and momentarily psychic, replied "No, but I will find it out."
Now according to my father, he avoided sitting near my mother that day since she seemed like a snob. He already had three girlfriends anyway. He was focused on finding a seat, dealing with his cane, and getting out his notebook. Meanwhile, three rows to his left, a snobby southern belle was plotting to change his life forever.
It took six months for my Dad to ask my mother out on a date. Her vision, however, had not faded. They went on a picnic in the mountains. As they were searching for the perfect spot, she asked him to tell her some of the names in his family. He thought this game seemed innocent enough so he played along, reciting his ancestor's names with the cadence of a poet. When what would become my first name rolled off his tongue, my mother had another psychic flash. She turned to him and said, "Coleman...THAT is what we'll name our first child." He swerved off the road. Two years later they eloped. But that's another story.
Growing up hearing Mom's legend of love at first sight, filled me with fairy tale expectations. Though my own love life has been a different journey, I still hold out for that moment of soul mate recognition that my mother experienced. After all, "Honey, you'll just know," is a promise my mother made to me long ago.
Q&A With Joel Crohn Interfaith & Intercultural Expert Facilitated by Coaching Circles Comments (0)
Q. I'm a Christian man and my fiancée is a woman from a Reform Jewish background. What are the most common problems a Christian/Jewish marriage will face and should we immediately seek help?
A. Too often interfaith couples approach marriage minimizing their differences because it feels so good to be in love. Especially with the pressures of a wedding approaching, it sometimes seems best to sweep differences under the rug in the hope that "We can just make it through the wedding." This is often a big mistake. I think of the period between engagement and ceremony as the "escrow period" of love. It's stressful, but there is no better time to face your differences. Most importantly, clarify confusion and mixed feelings about your own religious background before you try to work things out with your partner. And yes, finding a counselor to help you work through these issues can be the best relationship insurance. .
Q. I am Jewish and my wife was raised as a Catholic. When we first discussed marriage, I told her that I didn't care if she converted, but that it was extremely important to me that we raise our children as Jewish. She agreed, but now we're having a crisis about the issue three weeks before our first child is due. We know it's a boy, and I took it for granted that we would have a bris (ritual circumcision). My wife said that she never thought raising children as Jewish included any kind of circumcision. Help!
A. The most difficult task for most of us is to imagine ourselves in the future. When we're 10, it was hard to really envision being 20. And even when we turn 50, 60 still seems like a long time away. So when the two of you agreed to raise your children as Jewish, maybe you didn't spend enough time talking about what the idea of having Jewish children really entailed. Many couples are anxious about being specific because they are frightened that if they are, insurmountable differences might arise. Don't despair or panic. The most important thing now is to begin to talk more deeply about your concerns. If either of you feels coerced into a quick solution by the other, you all may suffer for a long time. While the traditional bris takes place when a boy is eight days old, you may need more time to work things out. Our new book, "Fighting for Your Jewish Marriage" gives lots of suggestions about how to discuss these kinds of difficult issues. Also, some counseling might be in order. Your child's emotional and spiritual well being demands that the two of you work out your differences. But please, just remember half a circumcision is not a viable option.
Q. My boyfriend is African American and grew up in an upper-middle class family. He just finished law school at Princeton, and his financial prospects are, to put it mildly, fantastic. If I may be direct, I'm a tall, good-looking blond young woman from a humble background. I was raised by a single working mom and we were always short on time and money. I'm having trouble with how other people stereotype us. Either they assume that I'm more educated than my boyfriend because I'm white and he's black, or, if they know about his accomplishments, they assume I'm with him because of his success. We love each other very much, but we're having a hard time dealing with other people. What should we do?
A. Whether we like it or not, we are all social animals. It's never easy to ignore others' perceptions of us, even when they are totally wrong. Make sure you learn to share your feelings and thoughts about unpleasant incidents with each other. It's usually more important that you are there to support one another than it is to protect each other from negative feelings. Also, work on building a network of friends and family who know you as a couple and appreciate who you really are. Isolation is a big risk factor for all couples. Seek out an interracial organization in your city and consider joining. The Association of MultiEthnic Americans, Inc. is a great resource. Finally, remember the old real estate adage--location, location, location. Certain cities and neighborhoods are more receptive and friendly to interracial couples, and choosing well can make life a lot more pleasant.
Q&A With Tian Dayton Facilitated by Coaching Circles Comments (0)
Q. I come from a divorced family. My parents split up when I was 13. Should I assume that I'm damaged goods?
A. Why would you take on a negative self-identity like that? Life is constantly renewing itself and so can you. Remember-what happened to you is not your fault, but it is your RESPONSIBILITY to get the help you need to work through past experiences that may be damaging your life today. If everyone whose parents divorced gave up on themself, we would have no presidents, senators, writers, actors, therapists, to name a few. This is your challenge and your responsibility in life to break the chain of generational dysfunction and find a better way of living.
“The Five Factors for a Phenomenal Family” by Dr. Phil
Starting right now, you can begin to make choices and take day-to-day actions that will create nothing short of a phenomenal family. free
“Postpartum Depression” by the APA
About one in 10 new mothers experience some degree of postpartum depression. free
“Saying” by Rumi
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
free
“Healing from Infidelity” by Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW
Life certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the monumental task of healing from infidelity.
from Parade Magazine/SmartMarriages free
“Marital Distress” by AAMFT
How Do You Know When to Seek Help or Suggest Doing So to a Friend? free
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Your Money and Your Brain: How the New Science of Neuroeconomics Can Help Make You Rich
BOOK: It's tempting to blame your upbringing, or your stingy boss, but the real culprit in your flawed relationship with money is your very own brain, argues finance writer Zweig.
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Mother's Myth? By Coaching Circles Staff Writer
Q&A With Joel Crohn 
Q&A With Tian Dayton Facilitated by Coaching Circles 
