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Q & A with Dr. Jackie Black Facilitated by Coaching Circles
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Q. Is it okay to date an ambivalent guy or is it better to forget about him? My guy right now is trying to change himself and wants to become a better person (for example is trying to maintain a schedule and also reduce his drinking.) He broke up with me a few days ago because he wanted to focus on "being himself."
Now we are dating again and we only see each other every two days for a couple hours. I fear that the real reason he broke up with me was to create some distance between us and that he might be terminally commitment-phobic (he's had several bed relationships.) I also fear that I'll be stuck in a superficial relationship in which we never get married or even live together. How patient should I be with this or should I be moving on now?
A. So here’s my question to you: “Why would you date an ambivalent guy?” Dating anyone who is ambivalent is a no-win for you and doesn’t meet the criteria for good decision-making. Anything is *Okay* if you stay in personal integrity, you make an informed decision based on awareness, and the outcome is self affirming and self-esteeming.
The better question is, “What’s in it for me?” You are not a halfway house for men who are “trying to change.” There is no such thing as “trying to change.”
Look around your desk right now. Do you see an object lying on your desk – a pencil, a book, a piece of paper? TRY to pick it up. Either you reach your arm out, open your fingers and pick it up, or you don’t! There is no such thing as trying. Don’t be fooled or sweet-talked in to a yo-yo relationship and don’t wait for anyone to show up in their own life and be “a better person.”
Know and trust in the deepest part of you that you are lovable and that you are enough. There are wonderful men out there who are already being their best selves and living their best lives. Raise the bar for yourself and d-e-c-i-d-e that you will only date men who are your emotional equal. Breaking up and getting back together, being close and creating distance are patterns that you will want to observe closely in yourself. It might be that you are addicted to the chaos and the rejection and not ready for the intimacy.
Take good care and remember…Only YOU can make it happen!
Q. My boyfriend and I have dated for 9 months. Lately, I have become annoyed by the fact that he drinks more than I am used to. He occasionally stays out when he says that he is going to come home. When I bring this up, he either blows it off or it becomes an argument. I am 24, and I really do love him, but I am not used to partying as much as he does.
My question really is: Can a good girl and a party boy really make it together?A. Focusing on the partying behavior is only a distraction. The real, more important and frankly bigger issues are related to (1) building a committed relationship based on good will and good intention; (2) crafting meaningful agreements; (3) honoring agreements and commitments; and (4) treating each other with kindness and respect.
Let’s examine this young man’s behavior:
He is drinking more than his girlfriend is used to. We need more information about what she is used to: Is he drinking more and or more frequently than he has been since they have been dating? Or did she make his drinking okay in the early stage of the relationship and now her willingness and ability to tolerate behavior she doesn’t like is diminishing.
Saying he is going to come home and staying out is completely unacceptable in a dating relationship or a committed relationship. It is a matter of personal integrity to “do what you say and say what you do.” Anything less puts you out of integrity and assaults the trust between you and your partner that is building or that has been built.
“Blowing off your partner” or using your partner’s dissatisfaction with you as a reason to start an argument is also completely unacceptable in a dating relationship or a committed relationship. Fights and arguments that ignite when someone is hurt or disappointed, or asking for a change in a behavior are distractions that result in couples never talking about the real issue(s) and never resolving upsets or meeting each other’s legitimate needs.
When you say, “I love him.” What does that mean? Love is not a feeling. Love is a combination of experiences with another person; experiences that are based on being valued and respected; behaviors highlighted by thoughtfulness and consideration; interactions and time spent that is characterized as enjoyable and meaningful. Often people confuse being in love with being entangled; and being loved with one’s dependency needs being met.
What is the state of your relationship? Do you feel treasured, valued, respected and cared for? Do you treasure, love, value and care for your Honey? Can you ask for what you need? How well do you listen? Are your requests of your partner met with his or her eagerness to hear your ideas, feelings and needs?
These are just a few things to consider when you begin to evaluate whether or not your relationship can make it. Remember, only YOU can make it happen!
Why Men Won't Commit by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead & David Popenoe A special essay on young, not-yet married men’s attitudes on the timing of marriage finds that men experience few social pressures to marry, gain many of the benefits of marriage by cohabiting with a romantic partner, and are ever more reluctant to commit to marriage in their early adult years.
Available evidence on marriage trends over the past four decades indicates that marriage has declined dramatically as a first living together experience for couples and as a status of parenthood. However, in recent years, there are signs that some marriage-weakening trends are slowing or in some cases leveling off.
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Q & A with Dr. Jackie Black 
Why Men Won't Commit by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead & David Popenoe 
